They Still Need You

YES, your kid still needs you… 

I spend a lot of time writing, sharing, and thinking about the importance of respecting our adolescents’ autonomy and space. I believe wholeheartedly in this, as well as in deep listening, and in the power of pausing before you speak. 

But, what about those moments when you actually have to step in and be the parent? Of course, when a clear line has been crossed, it’s our job and responsibility to bring our kids back to center.

But, what about those murky, in-between moments?

The times when they’re sort of being an asshole, or sort of acting out of integrity, or sort of not being the kid you know they can be… How do we parent that?

And what about the times when you can “know” they need advice?

Maybe they’re struggling with friendships, and while you can clearly see where you can help, they’re not asking for your input. The practiced voice in your head says, “Don’t give unsolicited advice. Just listen.” And yet, everything inside of you wants to step in to help. You’re torn. You want your kid to find their own way. You don’t want to piss them off by overstepping or getting involved. But you also want to help direct them and give them the tools to direct themselves. I get it. It’s a HUGE dilemma.

As I sit here sipping my coffee this morning, I’m asking myself the question: Is it worth the risk of possibly pissing them off every now and then in order to share my two cents?

And I have to say, the answer is actually coming in loud and clear:

HELL YES, it’s worth it.

You are the parent. And they do need you. They really, really need you.

Trust yourself in those moments. And trust yourself to be thoughtful with your approach.  

Because there are absolutely times when your earned wisdom belongs in the conversation. You possess the kind of insight that comes from all the crap you’ve lived through.

Just remember these two things:

1. Timing is everything.

2. Choose your moments wisely.

For example, perhaps your kid is struggling with some friend drama (we can all relate). You’re knee-jerk reaction is to insert your two cents immediately, but you instead wait for a moment when they’re calm and regulated. Maybe they’re just hanging out in their room. You see the opportunity, knock gently, and thoughtfully say something like, “I know that when a friend lets you down, it’s unbelievably painful. But I want you to remember, this is when you get to assess what you value in a friendship. You get to choose who’s close to you and who gets your heart. Even though it still feels awful, take a moment to think about what kind of people you want to let in.”

You might get an eye roll (which, by the way, is still a sign that they heard you). You might even get a, “Thanks, Mom. I know.” Or, you might be met with silence.

But trust me, they still hear you because they’re in a space to hear you. And that matters.

Another example could be that they’re acting a little (or a lot) out of integrity. Maybe they made a snarky comment to a friend, blew off a commitment, or exaggerated a story to save face. Nothing major, but not being their best self either. Something you could easily let slide and not say anything about, but on the other hand, it could be a golden teaching moment that can slip by if we freeze up trying not to lecture. Next time, try saying something gentle and curious without directly calling them out, like:

“Hey, I noticed the way you talked to your friend the other day. You sounded like you were being pretty non-committal and sort of waiting for a better plan. What do you think that felt like for him?”

or:

“I get that you were frustrated with your friend, but you sounded sort of aloof and cold rather than being direct. How did that feel for you and how do you think that landed for them?”

In these examples, you’re not shaming or scolding. You’re inviting reflection. You’re helping them tune into empathy and accountability without crushing their spirit or directly pointing a finger at them. Again, you might be met with resistance, but if you use these moments wisely, you won’t completely push them away.

In short, if you’re reading this message, it likely implies that you’re spending a lot of energy focusing on creating a safe, independent space for them to figure themselves out.

And while this is a great parenting approach, don’t forget that they do still need your guidance on some of the vague stuff. They are growing, learning, and trying to understand themselves… and they need your presence and wisdom alongside their budding independence and autonomy.

In parenting, there’s a big difference between being grounded and being disengaged. Stay grounded. Stay engaged.

When you’re regulated, you’re wise. The end.