So Your Teen Messed Up… Now What?
Let’s talk about that moment.
You know the one, when you find out your teen did something really dumb. Maybe they lied. Maybe they got caught vaping at school. Maybe they got caught drinking or sneaking out of the house. Maybe they sent an inappropriate picture of themself. Maybe they rode their e-bike without a helmet. It goes without saying that the list of dumb things teens do goes on and on and on.
You feel that fire in your belly. Your heart drops. Your brain starts writing the screenplay for their future as an unemployed adult living in your basement.
Pause.
Seriously—pause.
Because here’s the truth: all teens mess up. It's part of the job description. Their brains are under construction (as you have heard me say many times over), and impulsivity is basically baked into the design. That doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be consequences, but it does mean this is not the moment to catastrophize, lecture, or lead with shame.
Here’s what I recommend instead:
ONE
Regulate Yourself Before You Educate Them
Take a walk, phone a friend, or yell into a pillow. Whatever you need to do to not explode in their direction. Your calm presence is your power.
That being said; if you forget to stay calm or there isn’t a moment to calm yourself, that’s okay too. We all get mad sometimes. It’s normal. It’s human. And it’s okay for your kids to see that. Anger is a natural response when something matters deeply to us. What does matter is how we handle it. If we blow it, we can come back, repair, and model what it looks like to take responsibility. That’s just as powerful, maybe even more so, than getting it right the first time.
Regardless, do your best to remember calmness is your super power.
TWO
Lead with curiosity. not condemnation
Ask:
“Walk me through what happened.”
“What was your gut instinct?”
“What do you think needs to happen next?”
Rest assured, you’re not being a pushover. You’re helping them build internal accountability, not just fear of punishment.
Furthermore, you’re deeply listening in order to really understand. Listening while not being attached to an agenda (oof that’s a hard one in these moments). Listening so that they are listening to themselves. This is a daily practice that lasts a lifetime.
THREE
Avoid the “im so disappointed speach”
It sounds noble, but it tends to translate as shame. Instead, try:
“This was a big miss. I know you’re capable of better, and I want to help you figure out how to course correct.”
Four
Let natural consequences be the teacher
When possible, let the world deliver the lesson. If they flunk a class, resist the urge to swoop in and rescue the grade. If they break a rule, let the consequence follow, maybe they lose a privilege that has a direct relationship to the rule they broke. If they disrespect someone in their community (friends, school, camp, family—you get the idea), allow the natural reflection or response from that community to be the teacher. Clear boundaries, without the extra drizzle of guilt sauce, go a long way.
Five
Remind them: a bad choice ≠ a bad kid
Say it out loud. Teens need to know that making a mess doesn’t make them unlovable or worthless. A teen’s sense of worth is especially vulnerable, and it’s important to remember that their inherent worth doesn’t diminish because of a mistake. They need to feel loved and valued, even as they learn hard lessons. I know that may sound obvious, but I encourage all of us to check ourselves here, because our words might say one things, but our deep rooted unresolved trauma around our own worthiness might seep through.
They’re learning. They’re growing. They’re still in the game. And so are we.
You’ve got this. Seriously. Parenting through the messes isn’t a sign you’re failing, it’s a sign you’re showing up for the real work. And your teen? They’re lucky to have someone who doesn’t just punish mistakes. To have a parent who’s working to teach, loves and empower them through it all.
P.S. If you’re in the thick of one of these moments right now and need a script or a sanity check, click here. I’m here.
P.P.S I write from experience… we are in this together.
Hello, World!
