Am I talking too much as a parent? And what's driving that?

Hello Friends!

Okay, vulnerability time… The big joke in my house right now is around our family values. Or rather, how seriously I take our family values.

On our drive home from Moab the other day, I was talking about something or another when my girls piped up from the backseat to teasingly ask me, “Mom, is that aligned with your values??” 

While I didn't feel offended by their sarcasm in that moment (considering it’s regular thing these days), it certainly made me pause. Do I actually obsess over this topic? Do I talk endlessly about it like I’m a broken record?

I may not have the answers to those questions, but what I do know is that when we’re fearful about something, we tend to communicate it in a way that feels full of urgency and repetition. I will admit, I have been fearful about how the cultural messaging could be impacting their values and I have been fearful of all the places I don’t have control of their lives. But was I starting to unintentionally (and inaccurately) suggest that I don’t trust my daughters to honor our family values and discover their won without my incessant reminders?

It was time to check myself.

We all know that as kids grow, our job as teachers significantly shifts. Notice, I didn’t say our job “ends.” It’s still up to us to share and model our beliefs around how to be respectful, empowered, competent humans in the world. But as our kids get older, the way we guide them must shift. Instead of constantly soaking them in information and lessons like perhaps we once did, we can now reach them much more productively by peppering our guidance and insights throughout their days in simpler, more non-invasive ways. And above all modeling it. I am also reminded that they are on a long, beautiful and bumpy adventure and they will absolutely lose their way many times, and that is okay.

Exhale. Trust.

Tweens and teens are in the middle of this dance. They’re learning how to become fully-independent mini adults, while still living under our roofs and presenting at times as incredibly dependent toddlers. Those extremes are big! Of course we as parents feel fear around it all as we watch it unfold.

But when we come to them from that place of fear, our messaging gets too intense and too blurry, and therefore glossed over by our kids.

So, what can we do? The answer is actually simpler than you might think. 

Talk Less. Listen More.

Should you still talk about the importance of family values (or sexual health, navigating technology or anything else that you deem important)? Definitely. Is it still our job to give them gentle reminders? Absolutely. But, when you find yourself repeating something over and over again (or your kids are telling you that you are!,) do a little self check-in. Remind yourself to talk less, listen more.

And then, go even deeper. What are you afraid of right now? While your fears are usually valid, if we’re parenting from a place of fear, we lose connection with our kids. They start rolling their eyes and not taking our messages seriously. Exhale. Trust. Talk less. Listen more…and tend to your fears.

Quite the dance, huh?

The good news is, you don't need to know the full choreography of this dance. Just continue showing up to let your body, mind, and soul flow with the rhythm. Pay attention and be gentle with yourself.

GREAT NEWS!

I still have 3 more spots in my upcoming workshop for moms of 9-11 year old daughters (and those who identify as daughter). These workshops help you identify your fears and blind spots in order to show up with more ease, curiosity and trust.

MORE GREAT NEWS!
I am still registering for my DEEP DIVES. These 2-hour virtual workshops are for moms of daughters ages 11+. In these sessions, we will uncover current topics such as sexuality, conscious listening, and what’s behind the emotions of your rebellious teenager. Handpick the ones that resonate with you!

PS: I have a few Parent Coaching slots open so feel free to schedule a free info call.