Understanding resistance and push back...

There we were, sitting in the kitchen chatting. My daughter was talking about field hockey - a sport she’s starting to show some interest in. The more she told me about it, the more enthusiastic I got. She’s trying something new! She gets to increase her grit and release some angst! Outside! As part of a team! And, and, and… my tone was obvious. I was excited.

Maybe even a bit too excited?

Sure enough, the more boisterous I became around the sport, the more annoyed and less interested in it she became. Once my agenda for field hockey got bigger than hers, she energetically turned off.

And this, my friends, is called COUNTERWILL.

Psychologist Gordon Neufeld - one of my favs, says that "Counterwill is the instinctive reaction of a child to resist being controlled. This resistance can take many forms: opposition, negativism, laziness, noncompliance, disrespect, lack of motivation, belligerence, incorrigibility and even antisocial attitudes and actions. It can also express itself in resistance to learning. Despite the multitude of manifestations, the underlying dynamic is deceptively simple - a defensive reaction to perceived control or coercion.”

My daughter perceived my excitement as me trying to control her decision. And, if I’m being completely honest with myself, maybe there was some truth to that. Even in our best efforts to approach parenting with curiosity and acceptance, we can still unconsciously try to play puppet-master at times. I know you know what I mean.

I wanted this activity for my daughter, and unconsciously hoped my obvious excitement would spread to her. I own that. But, that’s a story for another time… This is definitely a topic with many layers that requires way more than I can address here. Please keep in mind that this is just a snap shot of a bigger picture situation. (Join my upcoming workshop on Counterwill to dive deeper into all of this!)

So, for the sake of this story, let’s stay focused on COUNTERWILL. I can say I wasn’t consciously trying to control my daughter’s activities. I was genuinely excited for her. But she felt my agenda, and she pushed back against it. Smart girl.

Any parent who has raised a toddler knows this feeling of resistance quite well. But even though we’ve lived it before, it hits in a totally different way during adolescence. It’s stronger, and perhaps even scarier because our kiddos can feel so far away from us in those moments.

It’s important to remember that this is a crucial part of their developmental maturation, though. They’re separating! It’s instinctual and healthy! By learning to use their own voice and express their own opinions and feelings, our kids are exploring who they truly are and who they will become when they leave home.

And we want to encourage that. We want them to learn more about themselves. What do they value? What do they like and dislike? What are their goals and inner thoughts?

In order to discover these things, it’s necessary for them to tune out other people's thoughts, values, and perspectives. That’s why, when we as parents impose our own wills onto them - whether consciously or unconsciously, it can lead to pushback.

So, how can we best support them in this maturation?

To start, we can do our best to lessen the pressure we put on them and increase our curiosity. We can practice hearing their wants rather than expressing our demands. Instead of suggesting “I expect or want you to achieve XYZ,” we can work on asking “what interests you?”

Of course, there's a crux in all of this. They’re still kids, and they still need us to guide and help influence some decisions. So, where’s the balance? It’s so important to remember that we can only be impactful if we establish connection and safety first. Start with them. Pay attention to their inner world. Let the ideas originate from them, then offer gentle guidance only as needed to help keep them safe. Emphasis on the word “gentle.” This is the art of connecting before directing.

In short, the stronger our agendas, the stronger their resistance. But with self-awareness, a little self-compassion, and the ability to pause and check in with ourselves, we can empower our kids with the amazing gift of free will and a strong sense of independence.

Luckily, the moment with my daughter passed quickly and neither of us got stuck in the resistance. She softened to see my genuine excitement for what it was, and I took a step back and got more curious about what she actually wanted. Exhale…

See what I mean? Counterwill is a big topic to delve into and this is just one version of how it shows up. I’m excited to offer a virtual workshop specifically about it THIS THURSDAY ! In the session, we’ll explore ways to identify and separate healthy counterwill from problematic resistance. We’ll look at how we can still be impactful in their lives in an influential, gentle way. We’ll learn how to connect and earn their trust so they don’t have to fight so hard to be heard. Doesn’t that sound dreamy?  

REGISTER HERE FOR COUNTERWILL VIRTUAL 2-HOUR WORKSHOP

PS: I have a few Parent Coaching slots open so feel free to schedule a free info call.