What is COUNTERWILL anyway?
There we were, Thursday morning sitting in the kitchen, the center of all the action in our home and most likely in yours as well. My 13 year old daughter was enjoying a photo on her phone that her friend had just sent her. I was busily watching the clock, sipping my coffee, and highly aware that she hadn’t made her lunch yet for school. With a frustrated tone I said, “Babe, it’s time to make your lunch!” which she completely ignored, leaving me more irritated. I came in louder, as if she hadn’t heard me, and repeated my request.
Finally, Tess looks up and tells me about this hilarious picture and explains how she has to send it to 3 other friends. I tighten up and quietly groan completely missing the point that she is in another world, not at all paying attention to her morning responsibilities. I am focused on my agenda and she is lost in her inner world. We are in a crux because our agendas are completely different.
Finally I explode, “TESS!”. I am annoyed, triggered by the phone, and not at all aware of her reality. And what do you think happens next? Well, she explodes back at me but with tears, frustration and overwhelm; “What do you want me to do now? I am so late! There is no good food in this house anyway! You expect way too much from me!” And with a huge eye role (I mean academy award winning eye roll), she storms away. No lunch is made, and we are both feeling defeated. Not a great way to start the day. Can you relate?
And this, my friends, is called COUNTERWILL. The battle of two wills.
Psychologist Gordon Neufeld - one of my favs, says that "Counterwill is the instinctive reaction of a child to resist being controlled. This resistance can take many forms: opposition, negativism, laziness, noncompliance, disrespect, lack of motivation, belligerence, incorrigibility and even antisocial attitudes and actions. It can also express itself in resistance to learning. Despite the multitude of manifestations, the underlying dynamic is deceptively simple - a defensive reaction to perceived control or coercion.” Sounds like adolescence, huh?
My daughter perceived my impatience and request as me trying to control her. And, yes I was more attached to my agenda of lunch getting made than her reality of delight and connection with friends in that moment. I was trying to control the situation. Well friends, it didn’t have to go that way. I could have slowed my role and changed a few simple steps in that scenario that could have easily changed the flow of our morning (and mostly likely would have ended with lunch being made). But my agenda was big and she instinctively pushed back on it. Smart girl.
