When fear runs the show

Vulnerability time!

I admittedly haven’t written a newsletter in a bit because I’ve been sitting frozen with some writer's block. From what I hear, it’s natural and normal to ebb and flow like this, but as many of you know, the writing thing is still relatively new for me. And feeling frozen is incredibly uncomfortable.

Which got me wondering.

As a mom raising two teenage girls, I sometimes feel this same way in my parenting. I’m sure you can relate. The ebb and flow of big emotional waves that can sometimes leave us feeling frozen or stuck.

So, I took a minute to look under the surface of it all. What’s the root cause of this “freeze” we can sometimes experience? What I felt when I peeked at myself with tender curiosity was a contraction in my heart. A smallness of sorts. When I dug a little deeper, I noticed how that feeling is rooted in worry and fear.

This is a remarkable contrast to the flowing expansion I also feel in my heart. In my bigness, I’m present and playful and separate from my emotions. Not that I don’t feel the feels, but I certainly don’t get swallowed up by them. In my expansive state, I’m more of an observer and - most of all, I can trust the process of both my own, and of my girls’, experiences in life. I can trust in their capacity to do hard things and come out on the other side okay. In the midst of trusting, I notice that I am less attached to the outcome.

What a relief… being less attached to an outcome. Just writing those words settles my body. Try it.

Of course fear, worry and massive feelings of attachment to what we want for our kids will take over at times - they just will. It’s all part of parenting. But remember that on the other side of all of it, is trust.

And, wow! What a difference it makes in our parenting when we can summon that trust. Right?

The point is, when I can access even a little trust, I show up with more ease, levity, and confidence. Not only in myself, but I can see it reflected in them, too. They can feel me; my anxiety and my trust. Can you relate?

As parents, we know that our hearts burst and break all the time because of things we watch our children do or go through.

My heart breaks when I see them in pain. Or when they’re being assholes. Or when I feel far away and unable to find my words. My heart also breaks when I want to connect but I feel irritated with them at the same time. When I want to show my love, but I’m feeling distant. And in these moments, I contract.

Alternately, my heart bursts daily with the excitement of seeing them grow and think for themselves. Watching them take responsibility for their actions, repair thoughtfully and learn from their mistakes. Witnessing them in their beautiful human-ness. Then I expand.

Trust comes easily, when I can be separate from their process but still be a gentle guide. Because the truth is, with adolescents we really have very little control of their process these days.

I know this is so much easier said than done, but at the end of the day it’s a practice. An ebb and flow. A contraction and an expansion. An in-breath and an out-breath.

I’m only sharing this because I’m clearly feeling that ebb and flow dance right now. The one we’re all doing all the time. A dance of influencing them, or simply observing them, while they are flailing. A dance of holding boundaries while giving them freedom. A dance of connection and disconnection. A dance of heaviness and levity.

Parenting is no freakin’ joke.

So, I encourage you to start paying attention - and even naming, those ebbs and flows in real time. To label what is happening in the moment, so we can have some awareness around it all. Because, when we’re able to name it, it brings more self-compassion, patience, and perspective. In fact, if we can notice the contraction and the triggers that cause it (ie., worry and fear,) then we can even lean into the contraction, honor it, and move through it quicker, rather than letting it take us down!

I’ll say it again -parenting is no freakin’ joke. But we’re here in it together, trying our best to follow the dance steps as they’re thrown at us. EXHALING. We’ve got this.

PS. Check out my May offerings!