Friendship and Discernment
Hello Friends,
If you’re anything like me, one of the thoughts that keeps you up at night is worrying about your daughter’s friend groups. Do her friends treat her well? Does she treat them well?
At this period in her life when knowing who has her back and who she can trust are crucial pieces of her puzzle, it’s natural that we could worry endlessly about this topic.
We all want our daughters to find their “good fit friends.” We want them to practice discernment in their relationships - not to judge others by any means, but to actively decide who they feel comfortable and vibrant around, and to what degree.
And so, I present to you The Jacket Metaphor.
Years ago, an old friend introduced me to the idea that we come into each friendship wearing a “jacket.” This jacket represents our discernment. Note, it’s not a mask - our jackets do not hide our authentic selves. Rather, they guard pieces of ourselves based on what feels good for us in each individual relationship.
Consider your own friendships. Think of your closest friends - the ones you can tell anything to and fully open up around. Where you can take your “jacket” off entirely. For most of us, this is a relatively small group.
Next, think about your friendships where maybe your jacket is unzipped but it’s still on and covering your arms. Where you share certain pieces of yourself, but keep other parts out of the conversation. You’re doing what feels good for you.
And of course, there are plenty of other iterations of this analogy. In some situations, we keep our jacket on and fully zipped. In other friendships, maybe it’s halfway down. Note that each one of these situations represents a completely healthy relationship when done intentionally. It also shows that not all relationships have to be the same. We don’t have to show up the same in every friendship, and should never accept feeling pressured into doing so. Only we can know what feels good to us.
Remind your daughter that she gets to decide how to wear her jacket and how to show up in every single one of her relationships. When she really listens to her body’s own wisdom in this, and only takes her jacket off fully with the people she sincerely trusts, she’ll find herself in healthier, more supportive, and more secure friendships.
And through this, she’ll demonstrate to her friends how to do the same. And that’s how we raise a generation of girls who honor each of their friendships as its own, unique power. Who celebrate each of their differences without judgment. Who share in each other’s wins without feeling threatened by them.
