Connection and Family Orientation

Hello!

As you well know, connection is my schtick. How we connect, when we connect, why we connect, can we connect?? Connection and emotional bonding are key parts of being a human.

The tricky part can be knowing how to actually connect.

It doesn’t help that the second we learn how to bond with our children, it changes on a dime. Once upon a time, we could build attachment through bedtime stories, imaginative play, cuddling, and just simply soothing our little ones.

And then they became early adolescents (10-14). Now, we sit in the car hoping to catch a brief hint of connection. We want to ask questions, but not interrogate. We want to share wisdom, but not overstep. It’s enough to make anyone crazy! I know I’ve been there.

To complicate things even further, our kids are starting to broaden their points of connection beyond us. More than ever in history, young people are turning to their friends over their family more and more for instruction, modeling, and guidance. While friends are extremely important, they are not meant to replace the role of family at this age.

This means that we as parents must work even harder to make sure we’re doing everything we can to raise family-oriented kids. To make sure those emotional bonds and attachments are still toward us rather than peers.

So, what can we do? Of course, every parent/child relationship is different and everyone’s style is unique, but I’d love to present you with five ideas for growing your attachment with your daughter.

1. Be Available

Be intentional with giving her some of your undivided attention. Yes, it’s important to be there when she needs you, but it’s even more powerful when you invite connection at a time when she least expects it. That small act conveys a powerful message that it’s the connection that bonds us, not any external need or circumstance.

For example, I’ve been working on letting go of any judgment of how my girls spend their time. I have a hard time not rolling my eyes when they go to Target with their friends, but just the other day I asked my older daughter if she wanted to go to Target to get nail polish with me! My daughter was surprised and delighted. We ended up having a great conversation as we ran our errands.

Bottom line, be creative with your time spent together. You’ll be surprised how simple it can be when we let go of our own expectations of what “quality time” should look like.

2. Delight In Your Child

It’s so easy to be in teacher or manager mode with our kids. Minding her behavior, reminding her to help around the house, keeping her safe… While all these things are essential, they make it hard to simply just be with your daughter.

Find ways to be with each other “non essentially.” Sharing a joke, a playful smile, or recognizing something that is specific to who your daughter is becoming. Who she already is. Delight comes from loving and enjoying your child exactly as she is. When she feels seen by you, she will view you as her safe space.

3. Validate and Help to Manage Your Daughter’s Feelings

Our daughters are learning to understand and regulate their emotions, as we all are! We can play a role in this process by noticing how she is feeling, then helping to allow and name those emotions as natural and wise.

When our daughters feel invalidated in their emotions, barriers go up. Connection can’t happen.

But when we validate and help her manage her big feelings, it can both strengthen attachment to us and build her confidence within. Win-win.

4. Get Curious About & Get Involved in What Interests Her

If you’re reading my newsletters regularly, you know that CURIOSITY is my favorite word. Ask her about her interests and use that as a way to connect. Learn her favorite song, and play it in the car with her. Learn about what lights her up. The little things that make her feel seen and important.

Your daughter wants to know you care about her inner world. Not just the heavy, serious parts of it, but the small things. Her current style or tv show. This discovery is such a simple, non-intimidating way to connect.

5. Set Limits & Guidelines

Your daughter needs to know what your family values are. She still need guidance and boundaries from you. Putting structures in place are hugely important to keep the connection as a family strong. Decide what is in alignment to your family beliefs and hold them close. Create loving boundaries. Be clear with your intentions and bring them to action.

Protect things like family outings, holidays, celebrations, activities and regular sit-down meals. Yes, you are stretching and giving out more rope and freedom these days, but get clear about what you’re unwilling to bend on and hold them tight. Too much rope is scary for them. Trust me when I say, they still need us. Just in a different way.

As our daughters are on the daunting path to discovering who they are and who they want to be, these boundaries will act as a huge safe space and comfort for them. It will help anchor them in love and connection in a time where they could otherwise float away.

Please note that my work focuses on Mother and Daughter relationships (and those who identify or once identified as daughter) but the message can translate with all genders.

I’m excited to announce my 2023 schedule for workshops. I have a new addition so please click below to check it out. Cheers to being on this wild ride together and discovering the clumsy dance that is parenting adolescents. You’re handling it all with grace and beauty, my friends!

With love & respect,

Deb