Rupture and Repair
Hello Friends and HNY.
The evening was peaceful. Homework, dinner, and watching a show together. We were quiet, but not aloof. In flow. Until all hell broke loose. My daughter became suddenly hysterical at bedtime simply because her room wasn’t clean. She turned from peaceful to mean like a light-switch. I followed suit. It became a full-on fight with screaming and crying.
Fights happen.
They can feel extremely painful, deregulating, and even scary. But the thing is, fights should happen. We connect, we disconnect, and we reconnect. That is the heart of any relationship. I’m much more concerned for the relationships that do anything to avoid a conflict than the ones that allow those messy moments.
That’s not to say we should all just pick fights with our loved ones right and left. And it’s also not to say that we can just fight and walk away. The most important piece of any rupture is the repair.
What do I mean by that?
After the fight with my daughter, I went into my own bedroom and shut the door. Tears were streaming down my face as I laid down on the bed and rested my hands on my belly. I took five big belly breaths to settle my body. Then, I did everything in my power to get curious. To look past what I thought my daughter did wrong, and instead intentionally try to focus on owning my piece of the fight.
Once I was calmer, I got up, splashed some water on my face and peeked into my daughter’s room. She was tearful as I owned my part. Then I asked her, “how do you think we can do it better tomorrow?” That was it. No fuss. Clear and grounded. Rupture and repair.
Every rupture presents us with the opportunity to become more aware. To be intentional in our repairs. To ask ourselves what we can do to grow closer to each other. To remember and realize that we can do hard things over and over again. That’s where we strengthen the bond with our kiddos – in the repair.
To be clear, repairing doesn’t mean “fixing a problem,” or even assuming something is broken.
Repairing is more about getting back on track. Your child is looking to you to model what a healthy repair can look like. They need you to help regulate their own nervous system. And your own style of repair is just that – your own. Get creative with it. Try different things to see what works for your relationship and what doesn’t. Maybe your child responds to humor. Or a quiet reflection. Maybe you dance it out together. You do you.
No matter what it looks like, do your part to initiate a repair as soon after a fight as possible. Watch your child’s muscles relax. Watch them feel safe again. Show them through your example that they can also initiate a repair in their other relationships.
What a beautiful gift to give your child. The gift of strengthening their relationships through healthy rupture and repair.
And for Mothers of Daughters (and those who identify as daughter), consider gifting yourself an MDJ Workshop where you will explore, learn, and expand your creative skills and confidence for navigating all the twist and turns of parenting. You deserve it!
I offer options for all the stages of this wild ride, including workshops for moms of 9-11 year olds, middle schoolers, 9th-10th graders and even Dads of Daughters! (which I will be launching soon so stay tuned)
With love & respect,
Deb
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