Creating a Sex Positive Home
Hello Dear Friends!
Welcome to Part 3 on creating a sex-positive family and home.
So… how do we set up a safe space where we freely and boldly talk about all things “sex” with our children?
First of all: do NOT wait for them to ask about it. It is on us as parents to open this conversation.
Secondly: start introducing language about their body parts and body safety as early on as possible. Sexuality is core to nearly every single part of a healthy human development. And what I am reminded from my friend and colleague, Feather Berkower, children who have more information about sexual developmental, sexual health, and sexuality are less vulnerable to sexual abuse. Read all that again.
Start talking about sexuality as soon as possible.
Our goal is to get to a place where talking about penises, volvas, consent, and identity are just as “normal” as talking about what happened in the lunchroom. I know that can feel like a tall order, but I assure you it’s possible.
In the last two blog posts, I invited you to get curious about your own traumas and messaging around sex. I ask you to bring that back now (with compassion for yourself, of course!) as it’s hugely important here.
The bottom line is, if your kids feel your undigested fear around sexual health, they will absorb it. And we’re not trying to teach them fear. We’re trying to teach them awareness, instincts, critical thinking, direct communication, permission to change their mind, and above all choice.
I know I’m sounding like a broken record here, but I can’t encourage you enough to work on your own healing around this. For your sake, and for the sake of your kids. And it’s REALLY okay to say, “I am still uncomfortable with some of this stuff, but I am really trying to work with it because I want to change”.
Okay, so now to the nitty gritty of how to have these types of conversations in your home. Here are a few simple tips that really work well.
1. Keep the conversations short, but consistent.
Rather than having “THE talk” that some of us grew up with (one long, overdrawn and awkward time,) pepper little doses of these topics into casual everyday chit chat.
At the dinner table: “You know you’re the only person in charge of your body…please pass the salt.”
Cooking eggs while hearing them talk about insecurities with their bodies: “Isn’t it wild how companies try to convince us we’re not good enough just so they can sell us their products?”
As much as you can, say these comments without intense emotion. Know that your kids may roll their eyes, or not even react at all. But also know that they’re hearing you. Your short and simple words are landing with them much more than a long, awkward, and boring conversation would. You can also laugh at yourself in these moments to make it a little lighter. I often hear myself saying, “I know I can be annoying but I am just being me!” Then you are also modeling confidence by saying what you believe.
2. If they seem uncomfortable while you're talking about something, DO NOT stop talking about it.
Since life offers plenty of uncomfortable moments, it’s good for our kids to learn how to be uncomfortable with you and still survive.
3. Don’t stress if you don’t know the answer.
There is no shame in not knowing something. In fact, your kids will respect you for that. If they ask you a question or bring up a topic you’re not familiar with, don’t fake your way through it. Instead, simply say, “that’s an awesome question. I’m going to research that and make sure I come back to you with the correct answer.”
4. Remember, YOU ARE THE ADULT.
If your child asks you about something personal that you’re not ready to share with them, tell them that. In these moments, you’re demonstrating personal boundaries, which is a hugely important lesson for them. Just make sure you don’t brush off their questions. Let them know you heard them, and that you’ll share when you’re ready. And then follow through on that.
Because you’re also teaching them that it’s okay to go slow. There’s no reason to rush through things in life, especially when we’re uncomfortable. Oftentimes, giving ourselves a little time and space will do wonders for helping a situation feel less charged. So many metaphors here…right?
For more tips, check out this website for some incredible conversation starters and a wealth of other information: Sex Positive Families
In my Mom Workshops, we get into all this stuff; including helping our daughters with body appreciation & awareness, critical thinking and cultivating inner strength and confidence. And I’m also offering a deep dive specifically about sexuality.
Together, we are creating a shame free culture!! Just writing that makes me want to cry. Thanks for reading.
Love, Deb
PS: You may have noticed I did not bring up porn. Porn is a blog post all on its own. Stay tuned….
