Parenting a Middle Schooler
Today I’m talking specifically to parents of middle schoolers. Apologies if that doesn’t apply to you, but maybe it will speak to your inner middle school self.
What a freakin’ ride to be in middle school.
Your brain is literally under construction. You know you’re highly emotional, clumsy, forgetful, hysterical, goofy, and all sorts of out of control, but you can’t do a thing about it.
You’re full of confusion and heartbreak when your parents - the people who used to walk on water, are suddenly and unexplainably a huge embarrassment to you. You want them close, but something inside of you wants to push them away. You can't explain any of it.
And that’s not even touching the complex social webs full of kids who are equally unreliable and highly emotional. Who can you trust? Who can you rely on? Other than your parents of course, who once again are somehow ridiculously embarrassing and probably annoying.
Oof. Just, oof.
Are you tearing up a bit like me right now just naming all those complexities? My heart really truly goes out to middle schoolers. And to all of us parents holding space for them.
How can we show up for them in a way that’s helpful? How can we increase our compassion for their experience without pitying them? How can we have more patience and curiosity without feeling hurt when they lash out at us?
In short, how can we stay grounded in our own shoes while simultaneously putting ourselves in theirs?
My workshop on September 29 will address all of this and more. NOTICE THE DATE & RATE CHANGE!! It is going to be a life changing experience; how you see yourself and how you see your daughter.
In the meantime, here are 3 simple reminders to start playing with in your middle school parenting:
1. Privacy is normal and healthy.
When your middle schooler seems to be spending way more time in their room than you’re comfortable with, remember that it's normal. Instead of worrying about what they’re up to, try allowing them their space while keeping a few boundaries that work for your family. Give them clear guidelines about when it’s time to reconnect with the family. For example, “At 6pm, please come down to set the table.”
And gently remind them every single day that you’re just on the other side of the door if they need a chat or a hug. It’s surprising how often they need to hear that.
2. Sleeping less is normal.
Try not to stress when your middle-schooler starts staying up later. There’s actually a biological phenomenon known as “sleep-phase delay” that causes pubescent tweens to want to stay up later and sleep in longer. It's normal and natural.
The best thing we can do as parents is to continue holding a healthy routine for them. Keep a regular “bedtime” when all homework, activities, and most importantly - technology, turns off. This way, even if they don't fall asleep right away, they’ll at least start shutting their brains and bodies off in order to assure a deeper, more restful sleep.
3. Try to respect their agenda.
This is a tricky one. We all want our kids to open up to us. And believe it or not, they want that too. But they want it to happen on their own timetable. Practice taking a few deep breaths before seeing them after school, just as a reminder to take it all at their speed. Hold your questions in. They need space after school to transition and decompress without parent interrogations. Plus, your practiced calmness around it all will help their school-to-home transition feel safer. Win-win.
And instead of those open-ended questions we were all taught to ask our little kids, middle schoolers actually appreciate and respond better to more focused questions. But remember, with any question, make sure it's coming from a place of curiosity and not a worried or judgmental zone. They’ll sniff that out in two seconds flat, and will shut down. Practice showing up with true compassion for their experiences without getting wrapped up in their emotions with them. Holding a grounded space for them not only helps calm their nervous system, but can also help us feel compassion for our own middle school experiences.
Try these tips out for now, and join me later this month at my Middle School Workshop to learn more.
Out of towners…my workshops are offered on Fridays, so make it a weekend adventure to Boulder, CO. And I just changed the date so check it out!
MORE GREAT NEWS!
I’ve also added some DEEP DIVES. These 2-hour virtual workshops are for moms of daughters ages 11+. In these sessions, we will uncover current topics such as sexuality, conscious listening, and what’s behind the emotions of your rebellious teenager. Handpick the ones that resonate with you!
