Conflict: Creating Internal Chaos

Hello Friends…

After my last newsletter, “It’s the Little Things,”one of my past participants responded to share that she is also learning to trust that fights are not only natural and regular in a relationship, but also 100% necessary for growth, resilience, and connection.

Her email got me thinking.

Fighting can create a whole lot of internal chaos.

Of course it can. Aside from the most obvious frustrations of not feeling heard, respected, or understood, it can go even deeper than that. Fighting can cause major catastrophic thinking; taking us down a road of speculating future worst-case scenarios. It can make us feel unsafe or untrusting.

I think it’s safe to say that most people don’t enjoy fighting.

But, what if we were to spin all of that on its head?

I recently found an old letter my sophomore self wrote to my dad while I was away at sleep-away camp. It read, “I know we have been fighting all year and I hope next year is better.” It was a simple acknowledgment of what was presenting that year, while also naming an underlying hope.

I share this snippet with you because it’s a reminder that most of the time, our kids don’t actually want to fight with us. They want to be in a good flow, and to feel heard and seen. But the nature of pre-adolescence and adolescence is to push back and to create boundaries. Our kids are at a stage where they almost need to resist your ideas in order to find their own autonomy and discover their own opinions.

What’s more, our kids often project onto us what they are feeling inside, so they don’t have to feel their pain alone. Say what?? This means that if your child is feeling insecure and unsteady, they might push back really hard (and of course without explanation), which suddenly makes you feel insecure and unsteady. Ahhh…aren’t the nuances of adolescent parenting fun?

My point is that fights are inevitable. They are going to happen because it’s not only normal, but it’s actually necessary for their growth. It’s where they learn how to have conflict. Does that mean it’s fun? Hell no. But, it is definitely important.

Try to remember this the next time they start lashing out. And also try to remember that you’re the adult in the fight. They’re picking a fight with you unconsciously hoping that you’ll show them steadiness and groundedness.

Easier said than done in the heat of the moment, I know. So, here are a few things that might help:

1. Reframe the word “fighting” to “conflict.” Conflicts can lead to growth.

2. Your tween/teen is becoming their own person. As much as conflict sucks, it also shows that they are developing their own opinions, values, and preferences. The fact that they’re pushing back shows that they feel safe enough to express themselves. It’s actually a good sign.

I do want to remind you that you don’t have to agree with, or give into, those preferences in order to validate their individuality. One example could be: “I totally get that you want to stay out later than curfew because it feels free and exciting. And, I still make the rules, so you need to be home at this time.” They  can be disappointed, it’s okay. 

3. They are learning and building real-life skills through conflict. This is literally my mantra every day. They’re learning how to listen, how to compromise. and how to be considerate.  And, they’re also learning how to repair. That’s huge. May we all be learning that alongside them.

4. Conflict can strengthen relationships. Every time we fight and then repair through self refection, apologizing, clarifying, and reconnecting (extra emphasis on the repair!), it deepens trust. It teaches our kiddos that relationships can withstand tough moments, and still be safe. What an amazing knowledge to have!

5. Finally, conflict shows that they care. I really want you to hear this. Too much silence, withdrawal, and apathy (normal teenage behavior in small doses) is more concerning to me than conflict. When they fight, it means they’re still engaging with the relationship, even if it’s clumsy.

So, there you have it. When you find yourself in your next conflict, do your best to take a deep breath, and even try to feel some gratitude for the discord. Remember that when handled well, it will ultimately help the relationship.

PS: I am currently accepting new clients who are seeking guidance and support through therapeutic parent coaching. Click below.