Not So "Gentle" Parenting

You have probably heard a lot about “gentle parenting.” It is everywhere right now on Instagram, TikTok, and podcasts. At its heart, gentle parenting has beautiful intentions: listen to your child, validate their feelings, stay connected, and avoid the yelling and harshness many of us grew up with. I am all for that. Our kids should feel seen, heard, and respected.

But here is what I am noticing in my office and in conversations with parents like you.

Gentle parenting, when taken too far, can actually backfire.

Somewhere along the way, parents have gotten the message that if their child feels sad, angry, or disappointed, it is their job to fix it, soften it, or make it better. That validating feelings can lead to saying yes when you really mean no. That staying connected means avoiding boundaries.

Here is the truth. Kids need boundaries just as much as they need validation. They need parents who can sit with them in the hard stuff without rushing in to rescue. When kids hear “no” and melt down, it’s not our job to make the disappointment disappear. Our job is to help them move through it. Sitting with disappointment may feel hard in the moment, but it’s one of the greatest gifts we can give them as they grow.

This is especially true for tweens and teens ages nine through eighteen.

These are the years when the stakes get higher. If kids have not had practice tolerating frustration, hearing “no,” or bouncing back from not getting what they want, they enter adolescence without the emotional muscles they will need for the real world. Friendships, academics, sports, dating, college applications, life will hand them plenty of “no’s.” Our job is to prepare them, not protect them from reality.

So yes, let’s keep validating. Let’s keep listening. Let’s keep showing up with empathy. But let’s also hold boundaries with love. Let’s trust our kids enough to let them sit in their feelings without rushing to make it all better. Because that is where resilience is built.

Connection plus boundaries equals healthy development. Without both, gentle parenting can stop being gentle and start becoming harmful.